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This is a condensed version of an article in the Washington Post By Colleen Grablick June 25, 2024.
A Unique Relationship
When you lose someone close, pet or human, it can feel like the world is ending,” says Jennifer Golbeck, researcher of human-animal bonds. “People think of their pets as family…many feel the pet relationship is closer than their relationships with family members.”
The relationship is profound, explains Golbeck, and when we lose a pet, our psychological needs are to grieve them as we would grieve any serious relationship. When we adopt pets, we know we’re entering a relationship that will likely end in loss. As such, pet grief can be devastating. Often, this pain is amplified by guilt --“I should’ve taken him/her in sooner” - and feelings of being misunderstood -“It’s just an animal”.
A Complex Loss
Golbeck suggests that the relationships we form with our animals are “purely good,” whereas relationships with people ask us to examine our faults and shortcomings. With pets, there is simplicity in what they provide us — and what we give. That makes the loss of companionship even more complex.
Pets enter your life with a preexisting, unconditional excitement for who you are. "The special relationship comes with the responsibility for keeping them safe and healthy and alive … to then have to decide for them to die, goes against everything,” says Michelle Crossley, vice president of the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement - people end up experiencing guilt..."
Mourning Alone
Losing a beloved pet can leave us feeling especially lonely. “People will grieve in isolation because they don’t want to be invalidated in how distraught they are,” Crossley explains. It hurts when people say, “It’s a pet, get another one." Called disenfranchised grief, it’s the idea that some deaths are not societally legitimized or publicly mourned.
To legitimize that grief Crossley suggests finding people who will take it seriously. Pet grief support groups are available, with online forums for pet loss including old-school chatrooms to talk through the pain.
Memorializing and Moving On
Crossley believes that creating some type of memorial to honor your pet can help process the loss. She encourages people struggling with guilt to write a letter to their pet, expressing everything they wish their pet could know. Then, write a response from the pet’s point of view, focusing on how the person created happy, healthy memories for them both. The “what could I have done differently” feelings won’t dissipate immediately, but forgiving yourself is key to getting better.
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